Delirium

• The cold manifested. I had a horrible fever for a couple of days and since then have been doing lots of resting and recouperating. The fatigue is immense.
• I have been reminded several times this week how frustrating it is to have a chronic, systemic illness. It is so tiring and ever-changing. I spoke to a GP this week who said “your symptoms are so broad, I don’t know where to refer you” and so she didn’t. The ironic thing is that I’ve got a whole host of symptoms that I haven’t even bothered to talk to anyone about because nobody gives a shit. I’m so, so tired of not being taken seriously, of medical staff showing no concern because I don’t fit into a certain box. Knowing that there are possible causes for some of my symptoms - things that if they proved positive I could take action and see increased quality of life - but having no power to investigate them myself. It’s so isolating and exhausting and yes I’m lucky because my health could be so much worse, but also there’s only so much of being treated like you’re worthless that a person can take. If I ever build up the inclination to go to the GP again I need to start taking Luke to appointments with me again - it’s incredibly depressing that that’s the best way to get listened to. I’ve been trying to find someone private to visit so I can at least alleviate my guilt of wasting everyone’s time but it’s hard to know where to begin because I don’t know what specialism I need to visit, and there don’t seem to be any holistic options beyond the pseudo-scientific nonsense of which I’ve had enough to last me a lifetime.
• End of rant, sorry.
• My best friend has fucking pneumonia. She also has two young kids. Thankfully she lives with her partner but I desperately want to get to her and help out. Unfortunately she’s far away, I’m also sick and Luke is away and I have a dog to look after so I don’t think I’ll be able to make that happen imminently. We are due to meet up for a weekend with our other friend at the end of next month - I haven’t seen either of them for over a year and the thought of it is keeping me going.
• We started watching the Tennis documentary series on Netflix, the one made by the same team who did the Formula 1 Drive to Survive series. My review so far is that it is nowhere near as compelling as Drive to Survive, and that their little 2 minute versions of matches where the player voices over saying “I started really well” (shows good shot) “but then the other player stepped up a gear and I got stuck in my head” (shows bad shot) “but then I decided I really wanted it” (good shot, wins match) are very silly and formulaic, but we will continue to watch.
• I read The Idiot by Elif Batuman which I loved. It’s about a young woman, Selin, in her first year at Harvard. She overthinks just about everything and is very lost and in someways very relatable, sometimes intolerable. It is a very funny book in which nothing really happens, it made me feel human and I am rooting for Selin. I listened to my first ever Marian Keyes - Rachel’s Holiday. It wasn’t quite what I’d expected. I didn’t really like it much to begin with it, and it wasn’t funny in the way that I thought it would be, but some of it was very good. My main thought was that it could have been about half of the length that it was. I then listened to Lessons in Chemistry (there’s been a lot of audiobook listening this week to help with the fever delirium) which was good. I’m moving onto Really Good, Actually next.